TL;DR
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A Gottman Institute essay argues that limerence—the intense focus and excitement some people experience when falling in love—is not automatically an unhealthy obsession. The author also cautions that early infatuation can obscure warning signs, and says trust and commitment develop through later relationship stages.
A personal essay published by The Gottman Institute questions whether online advice is too quick to describe limerence as an obsession that people should escape, arguing that intense early romantic feelings can also help motivate partners to build a life together. The author presents the idea as a perspective drawn from personal experience, not as a clinical finding that limerence is harmless or a diagnosis.
The essay describes limerence as the exhilarating early phase of love, in which someone may repeatedly think about a new romantic interest, replay conversations and look forward intensely to seeing them. The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979. The essay also refers to research on brain activity in people intensely in love and to chemical messengers involved in falling in love, including dopamine, oxytocin and norepinephrine.
The author’s account centers on a relationship that began with a meeting in Paris and continued across continents. The couple faced distance, work and family responsibilities, and long stretches when travel was difficult during the pandemic. The author says the intensity of their feelings helped them keep looking for ways to be together, while trust grew through repeated actions over time. The couple later married.
The essay does not dismiss the risks of early infatuation. It relays John Gottman’s caution that people in limerence may overlook warning signs or feel certain about a partner before knowing them well. Its central argument is that intense attraction and the need for discernment can coexist: feelings may prompt people to pursue a relationship, but they do not by themselves establish that the relationship is safe or compatible.
How Early Intensity Shapes Relationship Advice
The distinction matters for readers trying to make sense of strong romantic feelings. Describing every intense attachment as pathological may make ordinary experiences of falling in love sound inherently dangerous; treating intensity as proof of compatibility can also encourage people to overlook concerns. The essay argues against reducing limerence to either category.
Its account offers a useful separation between the feeling of early love and the work of building a relationship. The author says trust was established over time through small, consistent choices, not guaranteed by the couple’s initial excitement. That framing gives readers a way to recognize the appeal of intense feelings while still paying attention to behavior, boundaries and unresolved problems.
The article is a personal essay, so its marriage story illustrates the author’s view rather than proving that limerence leads to a lasting partnership. Readers should not treat it as a substitute for mental-health guidance, particularly if persistent thoughts or relationship behavior are causing distress or interfering with daily life.
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From Limerence to Lasting Commitment
The essay places limerence within a three-stage account of relationship development associated with John Gottman: falling in love, building trust, and developing commitment and loyalty. In that account, the initial rush can draw two people together, while later stages involve learning whether they can rely on each other and choosing to invest in a shared future.
The author contrasts this account with the volume of online material focused on getting over limerence. The source cites a Washington Post report of a 500 percent increase in Google searches for “limerence” over five years, based on Google Trends. It does not provide the underlying search counts or specify the precise start and end dates in the excerpt, so the statistic describes a reported change in searches, not the number of people experiencing limerence or a measured change in its prevalence.
The essay also refers to Curry Barker’s horror film Obsession, in which a character’s wish to be loved leads to frightening consequences. The author reads the film as reflecting current anxieties about rejection, attachment and commitment. That is the writer’s interpretation of the film, rather than a claim about the filmmakers’ stated intentions.
““the exhilaration of discovering someone you cannot stop thinking about and wanting more time together””
— The Gottman Institute essay, describing John Gottman’s account
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What the Personal Account Cannot Establish
The source does not provide a clinical assessment of limerence or establish when intense romantic preoccupation becomes a mental-health concern. It also does not present evidence that limerence itself causes healthy or unhealthy relationship outcomes. The author’s experience shows how one couple interpreted and acted on their feelings, but it cannot establish what will happen in other relationships.
The search-trend figure is reported secondhand, and the excerpt does not give its exact dates, raw counts or comparison details beyond the stated five-year period and percentage change. It therefore cannot answer why searches rose or whether more people are experiencing limerence. The essay’s reading of cultural anxieties in Obsession is also interpretation, not confirmed evidence of a broader generational trend.
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Questions Readers Can Apply
The essay does not announce a study, policy change or forthcoming clinical guidance. Its immediate contribution is a perspective for readers weighing advice that labels limerence an obsession. The practical question it leaves with readers is whether intense feelings are being matched by trustworthy, consistent behavior and enough time to know the other person.
Anyone concerned that romantic thoughts or actions are disrupting daily life may want to speak with a qualified mental-health professional. For people in relationships, the source points toward continued attention to trust, communication and commitment rather than assuming that early excitement alone settles those questions.
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Key Questions
What does limerence mean in the essay?
It describes the intense excitement and focus that can arise when falling in love, including repeatedly thinking about someone and wanting more time with them. The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979.
Does the essay say limerence is never harmful?
No. It argues that limerence should not automatically be treated as an obsession to eliminate, while also repeating the warning that early infatuation can make people overlook red flags.
What does the author say helped the relationship last?
The author says the couple built trust through repeated, small actions while managing distance and other practical challenges. The essay describes commitment as developing after partners have had time to know one another.
Does the essay establish that limerence leads to marriage?
No. The author’s account ends with the couple marrying, but one personal story does not establish that limerence predicts a lasting relationship or marriage.
What does the reported increase in searches show?
The source cites a Washington Post report of a 500 percent rise in Google searches for “limerence” over five years. The excerpt does not give raw search counts or exact dates, and the figure does not establish how many people experience limerence.
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